The Worst That Has Ever Happened To Me

Words can not express the level of humiliation involved in writing this. Please, if you’re someone that I’m dating, DON’T READ ANY FURTHER. Just don’t. You will never find me attractive again. In fact, the situation was so disgusting that even I wouldn’t fuck me. Everyone else, ready?

In one of my usual, brilliant weight-loss schemes, I decided to eat nothing buy vegetable broth with sriracha in it (and occasionally some shirataki noodles) for a few days. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. I felt that I had somehow beat the system! I was eating something that I liked all the time, and it had virtually no calories. “Surely,” I thought, “This won’t backfire.”

Ohhhh. How it did backfire.

I was walking to the gym, which is about 15 minutes away. It was early in the morning; no businesses were open yet; I was near Lamar. I was halfway between my house and the gym, when I felt it. “Oh no.” I could feel my eyes widen, as the panic set in, “No, no, no, no, no, no…” It was like the horror movie version of an Immodium AD commercial. I needed to find a bathroom FAST. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Where do I go?! What do I do?! This can’t be happening. Look! A parking garage, maybe I can go  in there? Wait, no! They always have cameras! They’ll post it to the internet like ‘Do you know this woman that shit in our garage?’ and everyone will be like ‘That’s Amber Demure! She’s the garage shitter!’ Nooo! That can NOT be my legacy!” 

I decided that I would use ‘The Secret’ and all the powers of the law of attraction to clench my ass and pray I could make it the rest of the way. You should’ve seen the uncomfortable walking, a pained, terrified expression on my face. “Anal sex with Alexander Skarsgard! Anal sex! Something! I don’t even know what feels like! Think of something! Imagine a cork back there! This can’t be happening to me! I don’t even like fart jokes!. How am I ever going to tell anyone about this?!”

I was almost there. I was walking past giant windows with herds of people on treadmill staring at me. “I’m gonna make it! I’m gonna make it!” I thought. Then I see a very attractive man exiting, and I consider for a moment, “What happens if I make it inside the building and as I’m swiping my membership card, it just happens. Right there in the middle of the gym?” So then, as I turned and walked more speedily away from the gym, “I’m not gonna make it! I’m not gonna make it!” I went behind a car, and it happened. It was just like that scene from Bridesmaids, only I was wearing shorts. It was a liquid nightmare. Words can not express how dirty I felt in that moment. It went on forever. I could’ve killed myself for my “brilliant” diet plan. 

As I walked up a very steep hill, with lots of traffic around, covered in the situation that I was in… I realized that I left my phone. So back down the hill. Just feeling it. Once I made it back to the scene of the crime, that’s when I realized I actually had my phone in my pocket the entire time. Oh god. It truly was the worst thing that ever, ever happened to me.

Can you have a gif on your tombstone? If so, I’d like this gif on my tombstone.

The good news: I can’t feel my cramps. The great news: I can’t feel anything.

That was an unfortunate place to cut my sentence, Yelp. CockTAILS. “I mean the cocktails!”

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